I hate breaking the rules, but I’m severely addicted to marijuana and nicotine to self-medicate the symptoms of my multi-organ system disease. This hospital stay was 8 days long, and I happened to have a vape of nicotine and a vape pen of weed in my pocket when I came to the Emergency Department.

One morning, Emma woke me up to go to IR for a central line replacement. I needed to use the bathroom, so I went. I was very anxious about the procedure, so I vaped my nicotine once in the bathroom. When I came out, it smelled fruity, and Emma started to question what I had just done in the bathroom. However, she didn’t question me in the moment; rather, she took my jacket from me to put back on my bed and sent me off to IR.

When I came back, Emma and the charge nurse were in my room holding a biohazard bag with my vapes in it. I froze and dissociated. I completely spiralled. I thought I was the worst person in the world. I apologized, and the nurses were not mad at all. They simply told me I couldn’t have it because the campus is tobacco-free.

After the nurses left the room, I went to the bathroom, locked the door, sat down on the floor and started sobbing. I didn’t want to exist anymore. Not only was I without the only relief I get from pain and hunger (I cannot eat due to my multi-organ system disease). The oral fixation helps me calm down since no food passes through my mouth without making me vomit.

Finally, I gathered myself and got back in bed. Emma came in, and I was sobbing silently, my whole body heaving with big, sad tears. She sat down on the stool beside my bed and asked me what the matter was. I told her I didn’t want to live anymore, that I was done fighting, that I was ready to die, and I didn’t want her to hook me up to my IV nutrition because I desperately wanted to die to escape the unbelievably strong shame I was experiencing for doing something wrong and breaking the rules.

Emma sat with me and reminded me that sometimes I get a little depressed and suicidal in the hospital. I had told her that the night she admitted me. I had been in good enough headspace to tell her that I sometimes get suicidal in the hospital that night, and since R2 did such a good job giving me her as a nurse 5 days later again, she was able to remind me of my mood swings and what I had told her.

She could have searched all my belongings after finding a nicotine and weed vape. She could have been angry and distant. She could have gotten me in big trouble. Instead, she called the nicotine replacement nurses to come talk to me about what might help me in the hospital, and outside when I decide I want to quit.

I am physically too sick to go to the psych unit at MMC, and usually mentally level enough to be okay. But Emma provided a solid backboard for me.  She wasn’t going to break any rules; she wasn’t going to let my anorexia meds affect my IV nutrition. She didn’t get upset or act any differently while caring for me the rest of the day. If anything, she was more attentive, which is already hard to beat, and made sure I was okay mentally and physically, but never bent to my pleas of just wanting to escape.

Thank you, Emma. You truly understand humans on a whole other level. The nurses at MMC as a whole are excellent.  Emma Glidden was the one who needed to be caring for me the day she found my vapes. The fact that Emma had checked me upon admission, and then the charge nurse assigned her to me for 3 days in a row the next week, made continuity of care so smooth and seamless.